An alternative POV on controlling people

It's easy to write off a controlling personality type as a control freak or an insecure or miserable person but this viewpoint; believe it or not, only serves to generate additional stress for you.

Labeling other people creates separateness and while it moves you to a position of moral superiority; as the saying goes, it's lonely at the top.

Besides, labeling anticipates the controlling behavior will continue and therefore, even justifies it (which means you're participating in it)!

Though, there's a more generous way of seeing a controlling person that keeps the field open, free of judgment and makes transformation possible.

The need for control is driven by a lack of emotional safety.

I don't feel safe = I need control.

I feel safe = I don't need control.

Safety comes from having a foundational sense of self-worth, significance, and YESness.

For that to happen, someone would have had to mirror your goodness from a space of respect, dignity, and admiration.

Commonly, those who've been subjected to faultfinding, loveless environments and performance-based affection, lack a basic notion of approval and a spirit of scarcity ensues.

Within this context, control can be understood as a functional, protective mechanism to avoid recreating experiences that would communicate any messages of inferiority, insignificance or rejection, that the controlling person already feels.

This insight enables you to replace criticism with compassion and if you really let it in, will melt your hardened heart, which liberates you as well.

While healthy boundaries must be created, pairing them with kindness and generosity helps to cultivate the safety necessary for control to be relinquished.

"I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles, but today it means getting along with people." Mahatma Gandhi



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